Here is a potentially typical day in the life of an autistic child with a form of autism spectrum disorder.

Every day at recess a third grader named Bill has challenges controlling himself. He hits, pushes, kicks and argues with the other students. When confronted about his behavior, he gets more angry, yelling at teachers or runs away from them.

His teacher tries to help him by offering him a special prize each day from a special classroom treasure chest if he keeps his hands to himself at recess. He expresses great interests in earning these prizes, but nevertheless, each day he returns from recess frustrated that once again he had some physical altercation and did not earn the prize.

When the principal explains that he will be punished for his behavior and lose recess the next day, his upset escalates and he stays angry for hours, yelling and screaming or trying to run away.

His parents have offered rewards for controlling himself and have removed privileges for continued problems at recess. Despite a consistent discipline plan, it has not worked.

These challenging moments are exhausting for all. They may involve any upsetting behaviors that are hard to control like the kicking and screaming, refusing to listen, physical aggression, or bad language.

According to Dr. Jed Baker, Ph.D., in his book "No More Meltdowns", his point of view is that "Meltdowns" are escalating negative emotional reactions that are difficult to control.

The Usual Parenting Advice: Start with Consistent Rules and Consequences

Most good parenting books tell us that we need to create rules and be consistent in enforcing them. According to this straightforward advice, we need to control our own tempers and calmly follow through with the rules that we set if we want our children to behave.

Most of us understand that kids need structure and discipline to help them learn and behave. We set rules so they know what is expected. We have consequences, both rewards and sometimes punishments, to make clear the importance of following those rules. Without rules and consequences, our lives would be chaotic.

Although consistent discipline is certainly a good starting point, it is not always enough.

The Limits of Discipline When Rewards and Punishments No Longer Work

When Bill continues to have trouble at recess should we simply intensify our discipline? Should we ban him from recess for a whole week?

This kind of power struggle and escalation in discipline might be okay if it works to lead to a positive change in behavior. But when it does not, it serves no purpose to continue in the same vein. We need to understand why Bill continues to have these problems at recess.

There are solutions and help for both autistic children and adults with autism.